Hungry For God

Lord I Believe

2011-08-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

June 3rd was the last time I wrote. I had no idea at that time that my world was about to crash down around me. I had no idea that what I wrote about I would soon be experiencing. The last 2 months have been one of the most painful times of my life. On June 8th my husband told me we were seperating. He said he didn't feel anything for me anymore and saw no hope for our marriage. A lot has happened since then, but I refuse to glorify Satan by spouting out details. 4 weeks ago, my husband stepped down from ministry, told our clients he was leaving, and moved away.

I have been up and down during this time. I have been sad, angry, bitter, jealous, confused, hurt, betrayed. What else can I say? Every day seems to be a mixture of emotions. Although many people have told me to give up and move on; I have felt God telling me to stand.

There has been good to. I have sought God earnestly and He has shown me where I was at fault. I did not appreciate the man that God had given me. I had become a very selfish, judgemental person. I have had to admit my faults and ask for forgiveness. God is faithful. I have searched scriptures to learn what a godly woman is supposed to be. I have a new desire to honor God and my husband by becoming the woman I am called to be. I have believed for my husband to come home. I have prayed for him to desire to serve God completely.

Today, I hit my bottom. It all just seems like to much for one person to handle. I have been put in a place I don't want to be. I am now the Director/Pastor of the ministry, President of the corporation, head of my family, all while trying to deal with my own hurting heart. I have not heard from Jody in about a week. Tonight I lost it. I wept and wept and wept. I have cried every day for over 2 months now. Tonight I cried out to God and pleaded with Him to give me something to hang on to or heal my heart and set me free. Even though I have never felt a release to give up, I really didn't expect a response from God either. Part of me wanted Him to say be free. Part of me wanted Him to numb the pain so I don't have to go through another day feeling empty and broken.

After 30 minutes of pleading and weeping, I got up and apologized to God that I have been given several scriptures to stand on, yet once again feel such total despair. I turned on Christian TV and scanned the channels looking for a speaker to listen to. I skipped over one particular person that I had no desire to listen to. Not finding anything, I went back through and skipped that speaker again. The third time through I felt that there simply wasn't anything worthwhile on and put the one speaker on that I did not want to listen to. He said, "Lord I believe." His message was on BELIEVE. Stop the self-pity and believe. Activate God through belief. It doesn't matter how big the problem is and how desperate it looks - God is working behind the scenes and he will resurrect the dead relationship. The whole message was for me. I wept somemore, took lots of notes, and thanked God that even though I did not believe, He answered my prayer within minutes.

My husband IS coming home. Better than when he left. He may have different plans in his heart, but God directs his steps. I am more determined to pray for him. Pray that he find no peace or comfort or acceptance in the world. Pray that the Holy Spirit continue to convict him. Pray that God do whatever needs to be done to bring restoration first to Him, then to the family.

Lord, I believe.

Heart Break and Awakening

2011-06-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

My heart is grieving today for people that I seem helpless to help. Being in ministry hurts sometimes. People let you down or turn against you, but what really hurts me is pouring into people and then watching them walk right back to the enemies side worse than ever. I find myself wondering, did we fail them somehow? Is there something more we should have done? I also find myself wanting to respond to them. It seems to me so obvious that what they are doing is wrong, surely I can convince them that they are not in God's will. But I also feel like I am not suppose to respond. A couple I care about very much has split up. A couple that shared they felt called to be Pastors. Her husband has walked out on her and her children. He is now with one of our clients which means both of them have sat under our ministry. Both of them expressed love for God and a desire to serve Him. And now both of them are praising God for bringing them each other???????? My heart breaks. Breaks for people I care about very much. Breaks for 2 young children who now are being raised without a father. Breaks for my husband who is feeling the betrayal of losing a close friend. But more than anything, my heart breaks that these things are being done in the name of God.

How can people have any knowledge of God and think that breaking up a family and having an affair is God's will? This is so absurd to me that I want to reach out, want to explain how this is wrong in so many ways. Yet we have been slammed already. By standing by the wife in this situation and expressing that we do not agree, we are now in the crossfire. Now we are hearing all the garbage being said about us. That doesn't really bother me. I don't care if someone thinks I shouldn't be in ministry. I often think I shouldn't be in ministry. After all, I am in ministry because God called me here - not because I deserve it somehow. So that I can deal with. However, there is still something in me that wants to defend myself, but I learned a long time ago not to argue with the enemy. Its a waste of time and energy. God will take care of it.

It's the deception that bothers me. It's knowing where this will end up and how even more people will be hurt. I feel like I should be able to convince them of their wrong and end this. Yet I have learned that there is a deception so deep that it can even twist the word of God. Paul said turn them over to Satan so that's what I will do. I will let them go and pray that God deals swiftly. Pray that children are protected and hearts are healed. Pray that their eyes will be open and their hearts restored.

If anyone out there is reading this, let me encourage you PLEASE to stay in the Word. And examine where your thoughts are. The Bible says sin begins with a thought - that we dwell on - and eventually act on. Where have your thoughts been? Are they on Godly things? Are they on what you don't have, how you're mistreated, how much more you deserve? Examine your thoughts and get rid of those that do not line up with God. Before they grow into actions and become sin. I've seen it too many times now. I've seen it happen to Christian people. If you entertain the thoughts long enough, Satan will make sure you have an opportunity to act upon your desires. If you are not strong enough to resist, you could fall as well. And once deception sets in it seems that people find it difficult to even recognize truth any longer. So please - examine where you are. Check your thoughts. Let's serve God instead of self while we are here.

Count it all joy

2011-04-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

I taught Bible Study today. It was the first time since before Christmas that I taught/preached. I know I'm supposed to, but it's easy to make excuses and keep putting things off. For several weeks now, God has had me reading James. Not just reading, but really focused. Finally, I paid attention and realized I was supposed to be teaching the book of James. I called my hubby right away and told him I needed to commit to teach one day a week. Then I didn't mention it again so it was put off a few more weeks. Finally, last night he asked me to teach this morning. So I did. I Almost cancelled this morning. Said I wasn't ready and Jody offered to teach the class, but I knew I had to obey. So I committed to teach what i had - however short that might be. We talked for an hour on the first 8 verses. There is so much that I feel God saying and we literally tore apart the verses. Talked about the author, the time frame, the recipients, key words, application, etc. I love how the Word comes alive. "count it all joy when you face trials" I think that's in verse 2. Have a positive outlook. It doesn't mean you have to fake happiness when your struggling. It means stay positive. Know God is going to bring you through it. And He's going to bring good out of it. Stay focused. Don't give up, He has never failed you before and He is not about to start. Every trial you go through makes you stronger, better equipped to hang tight. How exciting! And God will put thongs in your path when you least expect them to help you get where you need to be.

I have struggled with my exercise routines since moving to Arizona. Back in Florida I was a member of the YMCA and I would go with a close friend until I was comfortable going on my own. I actually had that membership for a year and had never stepped foot in the building until this friend agreed to go with me! Honestly, the y was mostly seniors and somewhat out of shape people so I didn't mind going. We had looked into it here, but I wasn't impressed with the one we visited, so again, I kept putting it off. 2 weeks ago I found a deal on a 2 month family membership at a local fitness club for $20. So i bought it. (thank you Jesus, thank you Groupon!)I had until October to use it so I convinced myself that between now and then I
would take that step. And if I didn't, at least it was only $20. For the last 2 weeks I have beaten myself up for wasting the money - knowing full well I will never step foot into a "tennis, racquetball, and swim club." especially one in upper class Scottsdale.

I have every excuse. I'm waiting for my husband to join me. I need to get back on track first. Blah, blah, blah. Yesterday I decided to just go sign up. At least then my daughter might get some use out of the 2 months. My hubby went with me and we got our cards. Of course there was not one out of shape person in the whole place. But i noticed it was quiet during the day and I began to think just maybe I cow.d do this. Then I taught today. I taught that trials bring perseverance and steadfastness. I taught to have a positive outlook even in tough times. I taught to stay focused, embrace the hardships, and never give up. And then I went to the gym. By myself. Alone. And I went in. I climbed back on the elliptical for the first time in 8 months. It wasn't as quiet as I expected. The Phoenix fire department works out there, but I did not run away. I persevered. My right foot cramped horribly and both feet felt numb on the bottom but I completed over 3000 strokes in 30 minutes. And then I completed a full circuit of leg exercises. The best part? Half way through my hubby showed up and rode a bike for awhile. It felt good having him there, but I proved that I don't have to wait for him to do what I need to do for me. Today I persevered. I faced my trial. And I grew because of it.

Thanks James.

Whose Report will You Believe?

2011-01-10T09:28:00.000-08:00

Time for another bought of total honesty. It seems so many of my postings are my intense struggles and I begin to wonder if I'm ever going to actually overcome and have something nice to say. So I vowed to start focusing on the positive. I tell people in my class that we process information through fear or through faith. We either look at something and base our decisions, opinions, actions, etc on what God says about it (FAITH), or we use our past (hurts, betrayals, spoken words, etc) to look at something and base our decisions, actions, etc (FEAR). I have noticed that I tend to be very negative and process through the past. I don't want to do that anymore. So I am working on changing my thought patterns. I'm trying to convince myself that even though God sees the same failures in my life that I see, He sees them differently. He doesn't look and condemn - instead he sees the potential in my life. He looks at my faults and says "though your sin be as scarlet, I can make you white as snow." (OK, that's the Terri Hall paraphrase, but it's close - google it, it's one of the major prophets; I think.) He looks at my faults and says, "My grace is sufficient for thee." I've got to start realizing that God isn't anywhere near as hard on me as I am. It's the enemy that wants to see us backed in a corner, giving up, warped in self condemnation.

Sometimes I think it's even harder in ministry, because you have plenty of people who will come along side of you and agree with every fault you can find. THey will even point out many more that you weren't aware of! It's imperative that we know who we are in God in order to overcome these times in our lives. So, that's what I've been thinking about lately. And the last 2 days I've been doing a lot of soul searching, prayer, and writing. I'm ready to make some changes. I'm ready to put some things into action. I will be writing later on the Satisfied blog so check it out if you don't read it already. I think what I've been dealing with the last couple days will help others to. http://www.imsatisfied.blogspot.com/ See you there!

As the old song says; "Whose report will you believe? We will believe the report of the Lord!"

Where I'm at Today.

2011-01-03T22:15:00.000-08:00

Today I sat down to read my Bible and I briefly asked God to give me understanding of His word. Usually I read through the Bible, starting at the beginning and simply moving forward, but today I felt God wanted me to read James. As I turned there I asked Him to help me focus, not just read because I should read, but to really get something out of His word. As I read the first chapter in the book of James, the last verse made a serious impact.

" Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world." James 1:27

This one simple verse had a double impact on me today. First, I had to examine my life recently and ask myself honestly, "Am I caring for orphans and widows?" Jody & I founded Aiming High Ministries on outreach. Our heart was outreach.We took food to the homeless, collected clothes for needy children, served in the Katrina recovery, put together Christmas events for families, and ran a food pantry out of our dining room just because we wanted to make a difference. There's an amazing feeling that comes with serving others. But somewhere along the way, our paths seem to have narrowed. Now most of my time is spent at a desk - budgeting, writing letters, fundraising, developing programs. Sure, I believe we are still involved in outreach. Afterall, we run a recovery program and most people come in poor, lost, and needing different avenues of help. But I realized this morning that we're not OUT anymore. People come to us, we're not going to them.

I'm not being judgemental on us. We've only been here 5 months and the huge undertaking of aquiring a recovery center has taken most of our time and attention. But I believe God responded to my prayer because it's time add community outreach back into what we do as ministers. Praying that God will now guide us into what He desires for us to do. And I know He will.

Second, pure religion is to be unspotted from the world. Hmmmm. I've always heard the religion that pleases God is to care for the widows. I think most people tend to leave the second half of this verse off. (Or I've chosen to ignore that part!) God expects us to refrain from the ways of the world as much as He expects us to feed the poor. Being set apart is important. Very important. This verse has become the cry of my heart: give me the boldness and desire to reach out to others, and the strength to live a life of holiness. I desire to overcome the things of this world so that I might be an example of Christ's power in the lives of others. Today was a great start.

The Truth

2010-08-23T09:33:00.001-07:00

I haven’t posted anything in quite awhile. No excuses, it just hasn’t happened. So much has been going on lately. We recently relocated to Phoenix Arizona from St Petersburg, FL. Moved our family, our ministry, everything. We vacationed in Phoenix back in May and just fell in love with the place. My husband (Pastor Jay) and I both felt God had put this place on our hearts and was calling us here. So here we are. It has not been an easy transaction, but it has been a smooth one. God provided the close to $5000.00 we needed to relocate: truck, fuel, rental car, food, rent, security, utility deposits, etc. My hubby went to Phoenix a month before us and was able to find a house for us to rent that fits us and our ministry. 1 week after arriving, we are settled and I love the house. That’s pretty amazing in itself since I didn’t help pick it!!

It hasn’t all been easy though. Our teenage daughter didn’t want to come. She misses her friends, her school, and the home she’s known for the past 12 years. It is hard being here and not having any women friends to talk to or spend time with. I know how she’s feeling. Also, my wonderful husband needs to find a job right away. He is director of a recovery center that helps us with housing, but it’s not enough to pay our bills. We are quickly running out of $ and bills are coming due, but I have peace. I admit, I’ve been worried about the electric bill (I’ve heard of $600 bills out here!), but I’m walking through it.

The stress of moving, the stress of finances, and the stress of leaving everything you know and love behind has taken it’s toll. My husband and I have been fighting a lot. I find myself lashing out and then regretting it later. Yes we are ministers, but we are not perfect. We have our struggles just like anyone else. And we just tend to take things out on those closest to us. I still have lessons to learn and things that God needs to work out in me. The awesome thing about our God is that He doesn’t turn away when we mess up, but He leads us through. That’s where I’ve been lately. Since we’ve been here, we’ve had incredible times of prayer and worship, yet I’m taking all my frustration out on my hubby instead of taking it to God. I was confronted with the seriousness of this a couple of nights ago.

Another person attacked my husband verbally. Said he wasn’t a true minister because he isn’t at the recovery center full time. Doesn’t matter that he has a family or needs to find a job – he is expected to always be available when someone needs him. (Ask any minister, this is a typical belief in the people we work with!) The comment bothered him. God began to show me how much he has taken on and he doesn’t gripe or complain or lash out at me. He is dealing with the same money issues that I am. He is a man who currently cannot provide for his family. He is doing his best in a new position and being judged unfairly. He has no close friends or confidants here and cannot even turn to his wife for encouragement. The one place that should be welcoming and safe for him has been a place of more attack. I have failed miserably lately and been totally absorbed in self. That is about to change.

I know we were called here. I know God wants us here and therefore He will provide for us. I believe there is destiny here for us. We need to draw closer together and go forward. I am committing to walk in faith and stop the garbage that has flowed from my tongue. Blessing and cursing from the same place? Not anymore. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I am committing to lift up my husband and speak faith into him and our situation. I will declare the goodness and provision of our God; no longer will I give the enemy power with my words. It is time to go forward. I declare it!

Update

2010-07-20T04:48:00.000-07:00

Dear friends and partners,

Wow! God is stiring things up like only He can do and continuing to blow my mind! As many of you know, we received a burden 2 months ago for Pheonix, Arizona. Monday, July 26 we will be packing the truck and heading out. We will be traveling about 2300 miles over 3 days in a truck to get there. Fun, fun!

We will be restructuring a recovery center in Phoenix and birthing a ministry to young people called "The Edge." Our desire is to build a ministry where any denomination can come and worship and be accepted - church that doesn't look anything like church. Our desire is also to continue doing conferences and some other projects as the Lord leads. All of this may change as our plan is to copy Matt Pitt when the Basement was birthed. Simply pray, worship, read the word, and then do exactly what God says!!

God has moved quickly in the last 2 months to position and prepare us for this transition. He has provided the $3000 for moving. Jody just returned from a 3 week trip there and he was able to find a house that is being held for us and rented monthly so we are free to move as God instructs. The recovery center found a building to plant a church and Jody became their worship Pastor. This building also gives us a place to start our meetings at a resonable fee. One of my hearts cry was to have a solid covering as we stepped out into new territory and God has also answered that. Not only has Aiming High moved under this new covering, but so have we. Last Sunday, Jody and I were ordained and commissioned by Pastors Deon and Carmen Lett and Aiming High is now an affiliate of New Destiny. I keep hearing "completion" in my spirit. Many of you will understand the significance of this move. There is peace and security in knowing that you have a covering that will pray when they say they will pray. I am so excited that God has brought us under a couple that I love so much.

I can't even begin to explain the burning in my spirit for this new step. Phoenix is the meth capital and human trafficking capital of our country. It is the number one place for kidnapping and the Mexican mafia is strong, but God is stronger. Last week we took our youth group to camp as our last event together and a saw a vision of one tendril of smoke rising out of the middle of Florida. That smoke suddenly burst into a raging fire and the fire burned across Florida and into the midwest, consuming states as it reached into and covered Arizona. I was thinking it looked like a wildfire with the quickness that it started and spread. God showed me that when a wildfire is in full force, there is little man can do to stop it. They can try different things to weaken the fire, but the only real hope to stop a raging wildfire is to get it to burn itself out. Then He told me that this is the fire inside each of us - the enemy can come against us and try to discourage us, but he cannot have victory. The only way to defeat us is if WE allow the fire to go out. That's why it is so important to have connections with others, to encourage and uplift and come together - it keeps the fire raging.

That's my little sermonette for the day. No matter what it looks like in the natural, the enemy DOES NOT HAVE THE POWER TO PUT YOUR FIRE OUT! He cannot win!

Our number one greatest need is prayer. Please cover us, our daughter, Aiming High, our finances, etc. Jody will need to find a paying job when we get there to support us and our ministry will need to bring in finances to cover it's costs as well. We truly need every aspect of this journey covered in prayers. We are going into a place of darkness and the darkness doesn't want us there, but our God is able and He has linked us with powerful prayer warriors for a reason. I am hoping to get better at sending out regular prayer requests as I get settled. Also, please respond and let me know if you want to receive our newsletter. Of couse, we need financial assistant and donations can be made on our web-site at www.aiminghighministries.com or www.terrihall.org if anyone is able. We love all of you and I look forward to seeing you the next time we're in the area.

Discovering Destiny!

Pastors Jody & Terri Hall

Fullfill Your Destiny!

www.aiminghighministries.com

New Years

2010-01-02T19:41:00.000-08:00

Excited for the New Year. Don't think I'll be on here much unless there's really something to write about. My focus will be the Satisfied! blog since most of my time right now is spent on that stuff. I am excited about the future and all that it holds. I am believing for great things this year - time to step into ministry, draw closer to God, get healthier. Yada yada yada. I'm ready and I want to hit the ground running. Only way to succeed is to step forward. Let's GO!

Joy & Sadness

2009-10-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

Still doing great! I am very much in love with God and desiring to go farther. I just need to spend more time in study now. My husband & I are under such a strong attack right now. It seems like the people who are the most against us are those who should actually have our back. I am so grateful for close friends that I can share my heart with. I am thankful that they can see truth and I have not totally lost it. It hurts to have people you work with stab you in the back, but then they crucified Christ, right? The Bible tells us to love each other, lift one another up, and with humility bring correction. We are not suppose to base our actions or our words on jealousy, anger, or opinions. The church should not look so much like the world. Yet I would not leave the Church for anything. I am so much better because of Jesus, regardless of how people behave. My prayer is simply this: "Teach me to love the way You love, Lord. Give me wisdom to discern right from wrong. Help me to never hurt another person the way I am hurting right now. Amen"

Freedom! (& deliverance)

2009-10-10T07:04:00.000-07:00

God is absolutely amazing! I am more in love with Him than I have ever been. I have to start blogging again because I just can't even find enough ways to express the joy I have. I've never known the joy of the Lord like this before. It truly is my strength. I am free. No worries, no fear, no anger. WOW! I went through a deliverance 5 days ago. I know, I know, very controversial. I'm so tired of hearing all the different opinions on deliverance. Honestly, I can't find proof for or against in the Bible. All I can say is this: if everything said and done in that room was done to glorify Jesus and His name and I have been set free - then I really don't care who thinks it's real or not real. If that's where God had to take me (or let me go) and now I can see fruit and He gets the glory? That's all I need!

The fruit: He is on my mind all the time now. I've been able to do things I used to be afraid of (ignore bugs, etc). My eating habits have completely gone from insane to healthy - I can actually resist the temptation to keep eating. I care what I look like - use to leave the house not caring how I represented (no makeup, old clothes). I'm HAPPY. I want to worship. I WANT to care for my husband and child - used to get mad everytime I cleaned up after them. My husband looks at me different. For the first time in my life I feel equipped to walk in destiny. Not that I can suddenly do it, but that I believe in the call on my life now and feel able to be trusted with such a call.

All the junk in my life is still there - work, pressure, opposition - but I am different. And I thank Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of the Living God for changing my life.

God is GOOD!

2009-03-25T06:52:00.000-07:00

WOW! Four months since I've blogged?? Maybe blogging isn't my thing. I love writing and wish I could find more time to do so, it just seems so very hard to find time to do things I love that aren't currently necessary. Anywoo, I need to update since so many things have changed. The company we worked for outside of Aiming High did not close, but downsized alot. We were laid off, it has been a struggle financially at times, but God is and has been (and always will be) so faithful. We have not had to go without necessitites. And it has given us the opportunity to go full time into ministry, which is where our hearts desire has always been.

Jody is in a band now and they are playing their first gig this Saturday. We started a youth ministry last summer and it is growing and we are able to put lots of time into it, which I love. I have a weekly drama ministry now and that is like living a dream. So many things are stepping into place for us right now. It is an exciting time as we wait to see what the Lord is doing.

I have to testify - Our daughter is in a school for modeling/acting (that someone paid for her to attend). Last week, she came home crying because they rated her outfit "fair." She is supposed to dress in business attire and just doesn't have much of that in her normal teenage closet. She was crying because she wants to be her best, yet knew that we had no money to go buy clothing. 2 days later, I went to work and someone had given us a $500 donation to our family. Once again, God proved Himself to our child. He is SOOO GOOD!

11 Days Later!

2008-11-12T19:08:00.000-08:00

I had no idea it had been 11 days since I wrote! How does time go by so fast? I have not done well with my "Love Dare" challenge. After writing the last time, I got stuck on the next one - doing something they needed done (basically). that was tough and it took me a couple days to find something - then last week my husband got very sick and I taught his class for him. Then I moved the book and totally forgot that I was doing this. Occassionally I would remember, but wouldn't have the book near me so I've been on vacation for the past week. Hopefully I can jump back in now. My book is safely back in my bedroom and in reach to be read on a daily basis.

It's been quite a week. One of the ministries we work with is very likely closing down. We have both been laid off with no notice. I know that our needs are met and God will take care of us, but I also know it's so close to Christmas and we have other bills that we will not be able to pay without a mighty move of God. The awesome things in all this - we serve a MIGHTY God. 'Nite!

Love in laundry

2008-11-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I needed to do something "just because" - for no reason other than the fact that I choose to love him. I do "just because" things a lot because that's my love language - random acts of service. I feel more love coming home to washed dishes than a dozen roses. (I know, there may be something wrong there!) It's just who I am. For me, an act of kindness (or service) says that he thought about me, thought about how he could help me, and loved me enough to do something that he didn't have to do. Anyone can buy flowers - I want effort. Anyway, since I tend to do what speaks love to me already, I had to think of something that would really show I was doing this for no reason other than love. So, I did . . . are you ready . . . his laundry. Go ahead and laugh. I'm serious.

You have to understand that we are not a "typical" family. To get things done around our house in our limited time at home, we have to have assigned "Chores". Also, I am pretty picky about how I want things done, so I have to assign things that can be done correctly or I end up doing them over anyway. Also, when we moved this year, the laundry room is outside and not in the greatest condition. So I would rather stay away from the laundry room - which makes laundry the perfect job for my hubby! The bad side of this is that he has enough clothes to last a good 3 weeks where I need clothes washed weekly. So when things are really busy, I end up doing my own laundry on my work from home day. Well, we've been in one of those busy periods and my husband is about out of clothing - so I chose to do his laundry. I wanted to do something that would absolutely show my love - I think I picked it. I was able to get all of it washed, dried, and folded before he came home yesterday.

It took him a while to notice, but that's OK - it's not his love language and besides, it was done for love, not attention, RIGHT?

Day 9

2008-10-29T10:40:00.001-07:00

While I recommend that anyone wanting to improve their marriage should do the Love Dare, I don't recommend doing it the way I do. Do NOT take a month to work through 1 week! I am being convicted that while I am doing a good thing, it is becoming obvious where my priorities lie. I love my family very much, but taking on this project is showing me how much I allow ministry, work, cleaning, etc to fill my days and thus it takes me a week sometimes to do one Dare. I am making a greater effort to do the dare each day. I believe the most important thing is that we keep going and not stop or give up, but I will work harder to do the devotions/dare more regularly.

The days are going well. I have had times of self revelation and honesty. I started Day 9 three days ago but don't feel that I've had the opportunity to really complete the task, so I'm focusing on Day 9 today. I have noticed over and over, that every time I make an effort to be pleasant or kind that it is never received negatively. I'm noticing that I can stop a lot of the dissension that we do have (not that we have very much) by refusing to respond in a negative way. Most of our disagreements are caused by one of us being defensive instead of understanding. I am grateful that we don't fight often, but I desire to stop the petty, needless stuff. There is so much more to living than always having to be right. I want to spend more time enjoying the incredible gift that God has given me in my family.

I'm running behind.

2008-10-24T05:09:00.001-07:00

I realized yesterday that I'm actually on day 8 now. I guess that's what happens when you don't stay consistent! Day 6 took me several days to complete because it required time and I'm not so good with that. Before this, the dares have been simple tasks that require very little effort - or they're fun and you don't mind doing them (like shopping)!! But day 6 requires you to sit down and think, take a look at yourself, and write some stuff down. I was more than willing to do that, it was just making the time to complete the task that was my problem. I don't have an issue with looking at my faults and weaknesses - I reached the point a long time ago of wanting change, fun, and contentment over hiding and avoidance. I admit I need work - so I spent some time going over where I need to adjust my schedule - still not sure how I'm going to do that - and looking at how I react to certain situations and what that means. I discovered there are still some character defects in my life that I would rather not have. I still have some pride and selfishness that needs to be released. The awesome thing is - God loves me so much, He won't let me stay this way.

That's my prayer today. That the Holy Spirit continue to search my heart - and remove any bitterness, hurt, pride, fear (and so on) that still remains. Bring to my attention when I'm about to say or do something for the wrong reasons. Help me to be a better example of who you've taught me to be. In Jesus' Name. Amen

Day 5

2008-10-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

Consistency is obviously a problem for me! It stuns me that another week has gone by. I'm still doing the Love Dare, but it seems to be going at my pace rather than daily. I did Day 5 about a week ago. It was easy for me - which shows me how I've grown over the years. I had to ask my husband what I do that he finds irritating - and stay calm and friendly while doing so! There was a time in my life when I would have been on edge waiting for his reply and then I would have had to defend myself once he answered. I love change! I was able to ask and hear his response. In fact, I already had a pretty good idea of what irritates him about me. Complete honesty - I do some of those things on purpose when I want to irritate him. (Yes, I admit it, I am a Pastor & a Pastor's wife and yet I sometimes push buttons and irritate my man on purpose!)

How do I irritate him?
1. When I take our child's side instead of his (in front of her). Actually, he said that doesn't just irritate him - it makes him flat out mad. I know, I know - never disagree in front of your child when it concerns your child - I'm working on it, believe me I'm working on it.
OK, I know this is a valid point and he's right on this issue so I need to work harder on supporting him (even when I disagree).
2. I probably should not admit this since I'm in ministry and there are lots of people who like to judge those in ministry, but I believe in being honest and real. God has asked me to strive and never give up - he knows I miss it sometimes. So, the second thing about me that irritates my husband is when I get really, really mad - sometimes I will curse. It really bothers him. It actually bothers me to. I don't like reaching that point. In the world, I had a horrible mouth for years and it took me quite a while to use bad language less and less often. Now when I reach the point of saying something I don't want to say - I have to go back to God and ask Him to examine my heart. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. If ungodly things come out of my mouth, then I believe there is an issue with my heart. Then I have to humble myself and apologize to God and my husband.
3. The last thing he said that irritates him is when I don't walk in my God given purpose. Sometimes he sees more potential in me then I can see in myself. He gets frustrated when I walk beneath my potential. That's actually really sweet.

So, I was blessed by this assignment. My honey has valid things that bother him. Things that I admit I need to work on. Again, I come away surprised at how much we've grown. I'm so greatful that we've come to a place in our relationship that we can have conversations like this without it starting a fight - and the responses are real - not the petty little things that use to drive us crazy about each other.

I have read Day 6 and unfortunately have kept putting it off - not because I don't want to do, but because it will require a little more insight and effort on my part. I hoping for Wednesday. While, I think it's important to do the Love Dare daily - it's worth doing period. Once you start, don't give up - even if you miss a few days.

Back on Track

2008-10-12T20:26:00.000-07:00

I seem to be setting a pattern of every couple of days. Oh well, at least I keep going! Friday I was able to finally do day 3. It took me awhile to find something and it ended up just being something simple - OK, so I didn't put my all into, but it worked out OK. The main thing is, I accomplished another day.

Saturday I didn't do much. I kept forgetting to read to find out what the assignment was for day 4, but the day went well. I saw progress already on the other side! We went shopping today, and my husband but me a gift! He kept asking what I needed or wanted. It's hard for me sometimes to receive like that - I want him to know me well enough that he could buy me something without asking and it would just melt my heart! But I also have been around long enough to know that some men just aren't like that! (OK, most men!) Instead of being disappointed that it wasn't the way I wanted it, I decided to appreciate the effort and thought of something I would like that he could get for me. We both left the store happy. That's a good thing.

Today (Sunday) I did day 4. It was really pretty easy - just had to take 30 seconds of my time to accomplish today's dare. That was easy and I'm still working on not being negative. But get this - my honey is noticing something different - and I really haven't tried very hard. He said, "You're being really nice lately." I'm impressed. He noticed a change sooner than I expected. Please understand, I'm married to a great man - he's awesome - he's my friend and my strength. He just doesn't understand women much and we get so busy in ministry that we don't focus on each other like we should. That one comment from him today has got me wanting to try harder, put more effort into this, and believe that we may both be improved from this.

I encourage all of you - go do something nice for your spouse. Let him/her know they matter in your life. You never know what you might start.

So far, not so good

2008-10-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

I forgot to write yesterday. Doesn't much matter because I wasn't able to do the dare. Day three is hard! (Do I say that a lot?) It's actually just hard to do much in "giving" for my husband. He just doesn't want anything. It's not that I don't give, I give a lot, but during this "dare" I want to give above normal. I want to give in a way that he will notice I must have thought about it. Otherwise, it will just blend in. I haven't let him know that I'm doing this book - I just want him to notice that something's different in me. But that takes thought! . . . I'll think about it tomorrow.

Something else I'm realizing - how easily we set each other aside for ministry. I worked a 12 hour day today and didn't think about the Love Dare once - until I was headed for bed. I'll try harder tomorrow. Night!

Day 2

2008-10-07T19:05:00.000-07:00

Today was hard for me. It wasn't bad - just hard. The thing I was suppose to do today was harder for me because it's something I do often and is rarely noticed - it's not something my hubby pays much attention to. So I had to really think about how to accomplish this dare in a way that he would notice. I made one attempt, but he didn't understand what I was doing. (PLEASE - buy the book so you know what I'm talking about!) I have one idea left - I'm not done yet! I have realized though that there are somethings that I will need to do knowing that I do them out of love and knowing that God sees and He will reward - and realizing that some of those things will pass right over my honey's head.

Still working on not saying anything negative. Why is it so easy to see everything wrong and harder to find all those things that are right. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot good about my marriage and my man - he has grown and improved more than any man I've ever known. I just find that turning from a negative person to a positive person is something I'm finding difficult.

As I said last night, I'm excited to see all that God is revealing to me ABOUT ME.

Day 1 - Love Dare

2008-10-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

Today was different. Sometimes when we think we know what we are doing, we find out that God has a totally different plan. After our argument last night, I really did not feel like starting the Love Dare today. However, I had determined to do this so I did. I did not begin with a desire to please my spouse or better our marriage - I simply did it because I feel it is something God is asking me to do. So I determined to say nothing negative to my spouse today. Sadly, neither of us obeyed God to "make up" instead of going to bed angry. It is not exactly easy to say nothing negative to someone you're upset with. So there were several times that I had to simply say nothing. Again not easy for me - I'm usually VERY outspoken about how I feel!

I figured that I knew exactly how to get through this - simply say very little and basically close off until I had the opportunity to express myself. However, my refusal to be negative meant no fuel to the fire, and this evening my husband came to me and apologized. And he even was able to tell me where he had been at fault!

I was awed at God. I didn't have to point out what he had done wrong. I didn't have to defend myself or be hurtful. I gave it to God and expected nothing, but He proved again that I don't know it all! This day also made me realize something else. In my pity party, I was talking with God and saying that I will just never be able to love my husband the way he needs (basically saying I'm not good enough so why try) - after all when I try my best he says I'm not even trying. I realized (actually God told me) that he will never love me like I need either - that his best efforts seem like nothing to me at times. I was able to understand how my husband feels because I've felt like that before, often I'm too busy focusing on his faults to notice that we both have the same struggle.

So Day 1 is over and I think I was able to refrain from negativity. I'm looking forward to the rest of the book. I know it will be hard, and I'm actually no longer doing this thinking it might make him love me more. Instead, I'm thinking this journey may change me.

Total Failure

2008-10-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

OK, so much for this plan of mine. I actually started this book a few days ago and did quite well the first day, but I totally blew it today. I found it so hard to not be negative to my spouse. OK, I can't tell you the assignment every day because it's only fair that you buy the book, but the 1st day is to not say anything negative. I blew that one majorly today. In fact we ended up in a huge arguement and now I'm shaking trying to type this. (Yes, even Pastors have fights!) I thought I would start fresh tomorrow, but it's hard when you're hurting to be willing to love first. I know God is taking me to that place - to learn to put away selfishness and learn real love. I want that, but it is hard to move past the selfishness. I want to pull away and close off until he realizes how much his behavior hurts me. I've made a real effort and it hurts when he makes it clear that my effort is meaningless. I think what bothers me the most is that we are having problems communicating and while we both are trying to meet the others needs - the other one just doesn't see it. If we could just understand each other. I know things will not change over night and honestly, things are usually not that bad here. I love my husband, but sometimes I feel like I can never please him so why even try. Funny thing is, I know he feels the exact same way about me. Hmmmm .. .. ..

So maybe I can try to say nothing negative all day tomorrow and still be closed off because I'm hurting and I don't know how to express just how much I'm hurting.

The Love Dare

2008-10-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

Where does time go? I'm amazed it's been that long since I've written. I've decided to do something that will hopefully help me get in the habit of blogging more regularly. Last week we took a group of couples to see "Fireproof" at the theatre. It was an excellent movie and I urge EVERYONE (married or not) to go see it. This week I bought the book that is mentioned in the movie. (You have to see the movie to truly understand what's about to happen here.) I have decided to take the challenge. I've also decided to blog about the experience - hopefully I'll get on here everyday and share what this challenge is like for me over the next 40 days. I have a feeling it may change me more than "him," but maybe that's OK. Why don't you take this challenge with me? Of course, you'll have to buy the book - it just wouldn't be right for me to tell you what you're suppose to do each day - but I believe it's a worthwhile investment into you relationships, your future, and yourself. I have already started and plan to be back later to share with you my first day experience.

Birthday thoughts

2008-06-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

Today I'm turning 40 years old. I notice that I'm reflecting a lot today. This is an interesting day for me and I'm not really sure how to describe it. I'm excited and apprehensive. Disappointed and and yet hopeful. I'm having a hard time realizing that I am now in a totally different bracket. I'm starting my 40's. Now I have to check a different age group when I fill out questionnaires. I'm not really sure how to feel about this day since I really never expected this day to come. As a teenager, I always said I would be dead by the age of 32. (Yes even though I was an unsaved heathen, I believed Jesus would return and the earth would be destroyed in 2000.) I'm glad that the Lord did not hold me to that, but the thought of growing older than 32 had never entered my mind until it actually happened. Then suddenly, it seemed each year went faster and faster until here I am, facing "middle age." What exactly is middle age? My thought is that my life is half over, I've reached the middle. Isn't that depressing? Half way through my life (IF i live to be 80) and I don't really see anything major to show that I had a purpose for being here. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW I have a purpose, it just feels like it's taking me way to long to reach my purpose. If life is half over, what do I have to show for 40 years on this earth? Ouch. That could get depressing real fast.

So let's not go there.

On the other hand, I am excited about the future. I realized that my 20's were pretty much wasted. They were my rebellious years. The 30's were my growing up years. Now I'm actually ready for destiny. (Well, we're never completely ready.) I've learned alot, grown a lot, and learned to trust God a LOT. I'm ready to go forward. I remember my Grandmother telling me that her 40's were her best years and I believe mine will be to. She felt her best, lived her best. I'm excited about what the next 10 years will have in store. While I never thought I'd reach this point; I'm still glad to be alive and loving Jesus.

Closer than you think

2008-03-10T04:08:00.000-07:00

I had no idea it had been a month (or more) since I'd written. I don't know if anyone actually reads this, but I've been told the key to being read is consistency. I seem to struggle with this. I'm asking God to help me get my priorities straight. I think there are some major changes in my future.

I've just returned from our annual women's conference. It was absolutely incredible. God always amazes me. the first conference we did was so perfect, I couldn't imagine that we could ever do better. God can! He showed up in a way that you would not believe! It was incredible! We had ladies testifying throughout the conference to what God was doing. One woman said she had been trying to kill herself since she was a little girl and that God had just set her free of that desire, that for the first time in years, she wanted to live! A teenager came to the mic and admitted that she had hated her father for his drug abuse even though he'd gotten clean about 4 years ago. She said she was always afraid that he would leave her again, but that God had showed her that her daddy wasn't lying when he said he loved her and she wanted to confess her feelings and tell him she forgave him in front of everyone! HALLELUJAH!! It doesn't get any better than this. Just step aside and let God be God! I am more in love with Him than ever. It amazes me that He allows me to help in any way.

I am also once again filled and anointed and persuaded to enter in like never before. We are in a battle for our country and our future and it is time to be about the Lords business. If we don't stand up and make a stand, we are about to end up in a place we don't want to be. We have been allowing God to be removed while other Gods are brought in and the Bible is very clear about where a nation goes when they turn their back on the Lord. It's time to stop worrying about a bigger house and nicer car and start crying out for God to save our land. Before we reach the place where we are no longer allowed to cry out to God freely. It's closer than you think.

It's a Miracle!

2008-02-09T05:06:00.000-08:00

2 days ago I witnessed a miracle. I've had miracles happen in my own life before and I think anything that we can't make happen on our own can be considered a miracle, but when you SEE it happen right in front of your eyes, it's absolutely amazing. There is something wrong with my car; it has to run above 25 miles an hour or it will overheat. don't ask me why - I have no idea. It's been that way for about 3 months now. I haven't had the money to get it fixed so I've learned not to go through fast food drive thru. (their not always that fast you know!) After over heating a couple of times and actually having the car shut off and refuse to start, I've learned to pay attention to the water temp gauge. The strange thing is, even if it has started to heat up, if I can get the car out of traffic and speed up, the temperature will drop in like 30 seconds! Who knows?? I'm just blessed to not have much rush hour traffic on my regular routes.

So anyway! My husband was asked to share his testimony Thursday night at a Worship & Prophecy Conference over in Tampa. (Last meeting tonight @ the Clarion hotel - 6:00, Fowler Ave.) so we head out about an hour early planning to grab dinner on the way. We hit rush hour traffic on the bridge into Tampa and the water gauge begins to rise. I think we're maybe half way across the bridge when the gauge hits red and we have to pull over or blow the engine. so we're parked on the side of the bridge in tons of traffic in the middle of the ocean (OK, the middle of the bay.) I was shocked how many people decide to drive down the side of the bridge to bypass waiting in traffic lanes - they weren't happy with us! My husbands getting concerned for our safety and says we have to make it off the bridge. After about 10 minutes, the temp has gone down half way and he says to go. Of course we've been praying the whole way. I pull back into traffic and the temp starts rising again. I had been asking for God to part the sea - move the cars, clear a path, miraculously make the path open before us. Nothing happens. We haven't gone very far before the temperature gauge is near the red again. I pray silently, "God, Please make this thermostat or whatever it is kick in and cool this car down. The next time I glance down the temperature has dropped slightly! As I continue in slow traffic, the gauge continues to fall. It dropped to below 1/2 way and stayed there the rest of the trip into Tampa! It was a miracle right before my very eyes. We had to skip dinner, but we made it to the conference during the first 5 minutes!

I know without a doubt it was a miracle. Last night we had another event in Tampa and had to pull over 3 times on the way there and ended up being almost an hour late! Yes, I know - it's time to get the car fixed! Isn't God good?!

Change, time, and prayer

2008-01-15T19:11:00.001-08:00

My life is changing again. My husband left his job yesterday. It was a mutual agreement between him and his employer. It was time to go - I know it was, but it's still hard for me - not knowing how we're going to pay our bills and where our money will come from. However, there is also a peace inside me. A peace that somehow we are going to be OK. I have to admit there's even some excitement stirring inside. After all, this is a chance for God to takes us to another level, to show his faithfulness yet again and to increase my faith. I know that God has never let me down and He will lead us this time as well. I've heard stories of people starting in ministry and how God provided when there seemed to be no way. Lead us your way, Father, keep us on your path.

I am crazy busy with the conference stuff right now. For any who don't know, our annual women's conference is planned for March 7th. Visit www.aiminghighministries.com for more info. I've gotten everything out later than I would have liked, so I'm a little nervous about how the turnout will be, but I've done everything I could think of, the rest is up to God. It's in His hands now. I've got most of my stuff done and can move on for a couple of weeks, then it will be time to start sending out prayer lists, confirmations, making a program, putting together gifts, etc. And preparing the message - I have some ideas but it hasn't come completely together yet. Our first conference was amazing and I am so excited to see what God has in store for this event.

I've started reserving an hour on the days I don't work to have devotions with God. I read my Bible and read a devotion most mornings, but this is specifically to pray and go after God. It's been amazing. It was a little harder this morning because my family was home, but I broke through and it was an incredible time in His presence. My hubby played the keyboard for half the time and we just entered in. WOW. this isn't always an easy thing to do, and sometimes I'm done before the hours up, but I so desperately want to go to another level in my relationship with Him. I've decided to pay this price because I need Him, I need to know Him more intimately, hear Him clearer, walk in stronger anointing, and everything else that comes from time in God's presence.

And now I need to sleep!

Wii Would Like To Play

2008-01-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

I am so tired. It's about 1:30 AM and I rarely stay up this late, but the whole family is still awake. All the vacation days have my schedule messed up and it's hard to get back into routine now. Since my family was gone for a week, I stayed up late every night. OK, I admit it, I get a little nervous about going to bed when I'm home alone. I fought through it and survived. I refused to show my fear (even though no one was there to notice). I still have to say I've come a long way seeing as how I was still locking my bedroom door, putting a chair in front of the door, hiding a knife under the mattress, AND sleeping with the covers over my head when I was in my 20's! (Did I mention that God has delivered me from MAJOR fear issues?) I've come a long way and it's all for the glory of God. I can say that truthfully because I hated life bound in fear and yet nothing I did helped. After I got saved, I just noticed small changes over time. Thank you Jesus!

We are up late for a specific reason tonight. The number one thing our daughter wanted for Christmas was a Wii. well, as most of you probably know, that was a very hard thing to find this year. My husband and I are not the kind of people to stand in long lines or battle mobs for toys so we had to make a decision - give her the next item on her list, or wait until after Christmas. We decided to wait til after Christmas, hoping the demand would go down some. I printed out a picture of the Wii and wrote "Gift Certificate, good for one Wii console and one game." Hubby & I both signed it, then I folded it as small as I could, wrapped it, taped it to the bottom of a large box, filled the box with plastic bags, and wrapped that box. It just happened to be the last item she picked to open Christmas day. I wasn't sure how she would take it - thought she might be disappointed not having something she could actually use. Well, she opened it and began to cry, which made me cry. That paper is now hanging on her bedroom wall. she said it meant so much because she knew there was no way she was getting one and had let the dream go.

Well, the other day I called wal-mart and found out that a truck was coming in at midnight January 06. The manager said there would probably be a line of people and I figured I wasn't going out that late anyway. And definitely wasn't going to stand in a line for several hours! Today I told our daughter that we could drive over around 11 and see if there was a line and go from there. They only had 4 Wii's and we were the first ones there. I am so thankful. god takes care of the details. Our daughter has her gift and we have video of her crying! Also, my husband turned 33 at 12:01 this morning so of course they are playing the new video games and will probably be up all night.

That's my story for tonight.

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

Wow! 2008. 2008 will be great! I love the New Year. Every time, it just brings with it such a sense of excitement and anticipation for the upcoming months. Determination to change some things, overcome some things, step out for some things. And every New Year brings to promise that this year will be THE YEAR. No more failing on resolutions, giving up on dreams. It is my prayer that this year I have a deeper determination - not because it's the New Year, but because there are some things in my life that I really want to change - and some things that I really want to accomplish.

Not trying to bring anyone down - just being realistic. I'm not making plans and changes because today is January 1st. I'm making them because I know I'm not living at my potential and there is no excuse for that. I'm making them because I want to honor Jesus for all that He did for me. I'm making them because I've reached a point in my life where failure is simply not an option.

We have the power to change our lives - I truly believe that. No obstacle is impassible - we simply give up to soon. Let's agree to make 2008 the year we overcome.

God Bless You.

Driving Imperfections

2007-12-18T11:53:00.001-08:00

OK, I admit it. Sometimes I'm not perfect. I'm usually the first one to admit it. I have faults - some pretty major faults. One of them being that I take on too many tasks at once. Another is that my mind wanders easily - even more as I get older. For example, I was late going to pick up my Husband and on the way there I began going over an arguement I had had with our daughter earlier in the week. Actually, I was preaching in my head, figuring out how I could use our experience with a teenager to help others in their relationships. Well, I tend to get really into my own imagination some times and so here I am, driving down the highway, preaching out loud in my car to the imaginary congregation and I glance over to see Mr. Highway Patrol sitting in a driveway. I looked down to discover I was going 77 in a 55 and promptly pulled over. I didn't even wait for the lights to come on behind me. I had done it and there was no denying. So I had a large fine and to reduce that fine and stay away from points, I also signed up for a driving course.
Now I'm taking my course online and waiting patiently (OK, impatiently) for the time to pass until I can continue. I have learned one thing. I've always wondered if you have to stop for a bus when it's a 6 lane highway. Or what if the highway is divided? Maybe you've all known the answers to this, but I've been in the dark. So now I know. And I'm more confused than ever. If the highway is not divided, you MUST stop. However, if the highway is divided, then you have to stop unless the median is 5 foot or wider. How am I suppose to know that?!? When a school bus stops on a divided highway, I need to figure out if the median is 4 feet or 5 feet wide? While driving down the road? Great! Now I'll be more unsure of whether or not I should stop. And you need to get it right , because believe me, if you stop on a major highway when you're not suppose to, fellow drivers will let you know.

Back Up

2007-12-11T08:01:00.001-08:00

My life as I know it, has ended. OK, maybe it's not as bad as that, but it seems really, really bad right now. Our computer died this weekend. The computer has been my friend. It was the only thing in our house that spent almost as much time working on ministry as I do. But then, without warning, it ceased to exist. We turned it off and now it won't turn on. Sure, I know about back ups and I always thought I should get around to it, but it the grand scheme of things, it just wasn't on my list of priorities. Now most of the work I've done on our ministry in the last 4 years is quietly hidden somewhere deep inside the heart of my silent computer.

The most heartbreaking is the recent work. Our annual women's conference is in 3 months and I just finished the posters and brochures - they were on the computer. All our minutes and goals and event plans for the future - on the computer. Books I want to write, research I've done - you guessed it - on the computer. Isn't that where you're supposed to store most of your heart's work? Trusted to a metal box?

One thing I've realized is that life still goes on. I should have backed up. However, regardless of the extra work my mistake will cost me, the world will continue to spin and day and night will continue to pass. I am not going to be stressed by this. After all, I can't change it. I can only go forward and learn from my mistakes. And warn others. Don't trust the computer! BACK UP!!! Always BACK UP! It's funny these things happen at times in my life when I'm feeling the most overwhelmed. I know that God has been asking me to evaluate the things in my life and choose carefully those things that are of kingdom importance. The rest need to be put aside, for now. Not that I must always be working or preaching, but that I need to always be careful to stop spreading myself too thin and taking on tasks that are not mine to do.

I've called our faithful Pastor friend who is also a computer whiz and there is a small glimmer of hope that my efforts, hidden deep in the recesses of my once active computer, may be salvaged and resurrected. Pray for me. Pray for my computer.

Pastor's Luncheon - the way it should be!

2007-11-30T06:34:00.000-08:00

I tried to get online last night to blog this, but the internet was acting up. I went to a Pastor's luncheon yesterday with my husband. It was interesting because we had received the invitation, did not know who it was from or who (if anyone) would be there, but decided to go anyway. It was so much a God thing. We've been to many lunches before and each Pastor introduces themselves and their church. But this time there was something else. These Pastors were so passionate about God and what He is doing that they couldn't help but pour it out. Every person that introduced themselves shared their passion and their heart. One woman stood up to speak and I instantly felt a connection to her. She was excited to serve Jesus! And most of the visitors at Golden Corral yesterday heard all about it! I found out later that when I spoke, she felt the same connection and we are already planning to do some things together. Don't get me wrong - I'm not putting down other meetings - all different types are needed, but it is the first time I have gone to a luncheon and walked away feeling more on fire than when I walked in. Instead of hearing about each ministers struggles, we heard about the passion they have to connect together. Imagine what the body could accomplish if churches joined forces! Hmmm........
Anyway, I jsut had to share. I love attending places where I leave hungrier than I arrived - spiritually, that is. My other half felt the same way - he preached all the way home and hasn't been able to get off the keyboard for more than a couple of hours to sleep. I truly believe God's anointing is going to continue to come forth - stronger and more powerful - as we go deeper. And I want to be ALL up in HIS business!

Once Saved Always Saved

2007-11-27T10:02:00.000-08:00

You might want to grab a drink and get comfy. I'm about to step on some toes.

I doscovered a belief recently that I've never heard of before. Obviously, I'm still pretty new in ministry. There's a lot I don't know and I'm the first one to admit it. I usually don't concern myself with different opinions, as long as people believe in Jesus, I think our focus should be growing the kingdom. But I need to speak up when I believe it's something that could fool people into hell.

I was in a church recently and the Pastor said that he believes "once saved, always saved (OSAS)." I'd never even heard that before. Actually, I do remember someone questioning a minister about it when Bill Clinton was President and had all his problems - their response was that Clinton hadn't truly had a salvation experience or he would not have done such things??? No comment. Anyway, other than that one time, I've never heard of it and never really thought about it. Now, I'm thinking constantly. Is it true? Is it partially true? I guess I thought I'm saved through faith because I believe in my heart and confess with my mouth, but that I have free will to change my mind and give up my salvation if I ever chose to do so.

Apparently, there are 2 opinions in the "OSAS" beliefs to explain my decision to walk away. One is that I was never really saved to begin with. The other is that I have received the seal that cannot be broken and therefore I'm going to heaven regardless of any decisions I make after salvation.

So here's my response:
If I can do whatever I want and still go to heaven -
WHY DIDN"T ANYONE TELL ME THIS BEFORE!?!?!? Why am I working so diligently to constantly improve and grow closer to God? Why did I quit drinking and drugs and other "sinful" habits? Why did Jesus say that some will hear, "Depart from me. I never knew you." Does that mean they were never saved? Or perhaps they did experience salvation, but were so busy with their own agenda and doing what they wanted that they never bothered to build a relationship? (Maybe they thought once saved, always saved!) Why did Jesus warn that those who don't produce good fruit will be cut down?

What about Jesus' warning that the lukewarm would be spewed from his mouth? Why did Paul say that he beat his body into submission so that after he had preached to others, he would not be found unworthy himself? It sounds to me like he believed it was possible to lose his ticket to heaven. What about those who were Christians and have renounced Christ and become Buddists or Muslims? Do they get to still go to heaven?

I have a lot of problems with this belief, however, I can't actually prove the belief wrong. I mean, I know people who were saved (really, truly saved) who let compromise and unbelief come into their life and they walked away. I was one of them. I got saved & baptized as a child. I loved Jesus and I know if I had died I would have gone to heaven. Then, as a teenager, I turned to rebellion. There was a time when I even dabbled in Satanic worship. I do not believe for a second that had I died in my rebellion - in a sinful relationship, cursing God, with a cocaine needle in my arm that I would have gone to heaven. I knew even then that I was going to hell; I just didn't care. Here's the kicker: I don't die out there. I eventually repented and came back. I can't prove or disprove this theory, because I don't know anyone whose walked away and died before they repented and returned. I believe fully that if you turn your back on God and die, you will go to hell. However, PERHAPS there is a seal or mark or favor from God that spares your life until you repent and return. I don't know. I know there were times in my rebellion that I should have been dead yet here I am. And I know I'm not going to take the chance to test this theory and find out if it's right or not!

Yes, Jehovah God is a God of great mercy, but He is also a jealous God. Yes, His gifts are free and for all and forever, but those gifts have to be accepted. No, He does not take back a gift once He's given it, but perhaps we have the free will to put the gift down, hand it back or simply throw it away. Any comments?

Change

2007-11-15T18:58:00.000-08:00

I keep saying I'm going to write more, yet time keeps flying by and every time it's weeks before I get back. Things are good. I've made some decisions and will be making some changes over the next few months. I have to or I will never make it to where I'm supposed to be. Right now I work for 3 different ministries and basically run myself ragged on a regular basis. It wouldn't be bad except that I'm neglecting those things I know I'm supposed to be doing. For example, developing conferences, confronting my weight and eating, and writing, writing, writing. I have so many ideas and things in my head, I just always put off my dreams for the things that need to be done right away. I've talked to my husband and he agrees. If we don't step out and take the chance we will always be barely making it - going from paycheck to paycheck. It reminds me of a song from a few years ago - I'm diving in, I'm going deep, in over my head I wanna be. That's me!
Good night!

Mr. Perfect

2007-10-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

My husband was so awesome tonight I just have to brag. I'm not sure if I'm bragging more on him or God - both I guess. So often, my honey comes home from work and he's done. He works really hard during the day and comes home drained and he does nothing else unless I ask (or sometimes nag!) him. I know that this is the norm for most men and so I don't complain most of the time anymore, but I've really been thinking since my bout at the hospital. If we are ever going to reach where God is asking us to go, it will take more than the usual 9-5 work day. It will mean doing extra work in the evenings and pulling together and paying a price to go further. I tend to do this more often than my husband; I'm gone several nights a week doing ministry work. Monday nights I teach a women's Bible Study and then lead intercessory prayer. I am literally out of the house from 7 a.m. until 8:30 p.m. This is the perfect time for my husband to watch TV, relax, basically do nothing and not be bothered. Well, todahe worked, we had great conversation on the way home, then he did some laundry, played a game with our daughter, picked up dinner, helped clean up, and is now studying the Pentacostal Pastor book! He's awesome! I love these brief moments that I get a glimpse into his potential. He's making an effort and that makes all the difference in the world to me. Lord, just help me enjoy days like this - and may there be many more.

Hospital Visit

2007-09-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

I need to make an effort to write more often. It seems like everyday I think of things I want to share, but when I finally get here, it's so hard to put my thoughts in order. God is showing me so much right now that I want to share - where do I start. I spent 3 days in the hospital this month. They thought it was my heart, which really scared me. I realized how quickly my life is moving forward - whether I'm ready or not. It seems like so recently that I finished high school. How could I be 39 already? My husband is getting gray hair - when did he get old? I realize to many we are still young, but there are just as many who are younger than us - much more than there use to be. Anyway, I had 3 days in the hospital to think about where I'm at - and where I want to go.

I know that I could go to heaven and be OK if I was to die right now. The problem is, I feel that I haven't accomplished enough. I'm not ready to stand before Jesus because there is so much more that I want to do for Him before I see Him face to face. Someone asked me exactly what I needed to accomplish for God to be pleased. In other words, what would I have to do to have accomplished "enough." I realized that, knowing myself, I will never feel like I have done enough. No matter what I accomplish for God, there will always be more that I could do - more people to reach, another book to write, more people needing healing, deliverance, freedom, etc. I will probably never be satisfied with what I've done - and for now I'm OK with that. I don't think we should ever be satisfied. After all, if we're still alive then there must be more to do. If I accomplish all that I was created to do, then I doubt that God will leave me on the Earth any longer.

However, I also know that many people never accomplish all that they were meant to do. I don't want that to happen to me. And so I have come away from my hospital stay with an intense desire to be more focused on my future and my destiny. I waste so much time with unimportant matters - TV, petty arguements, extra sleep. I want to run with Jesus. I just hope that I can go forward and not just fall back into that same old rutt in a couple weeks.

Oh, my heart seems to be fine. They found a cyst on the "pocket that holds my heart" (I didn't even know there was such a thing) but they think it's been there since birth. What they did find is gallstones, a kidney stone, and my liver is enlarged. There are some problems and the liver issue could be major - it's time to make some drastic changes in my life. It's time to address my eating habits. It's time to move forward!

I'm Free! Again

2007-08-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

This morning was such a breakthrough for me. I got up early this morning to spend time in prayer. I've been dealing a lot lately with stuff from my past. Some times we think we've overcome something, just to have it end up right back in our face. I think we get so used to living with certain problems that we learn to cover them up and appear that things are OK. Until it resurfaces. God won't allow us to continue fooling ourselves - He desires that we be set totally free. This happened to me recently. I was abused as a child and had a lot of mistrust, anger, bitterness, etc. because of my past. Over the years I have worked very hard to move past those things and put them behind me. I no longer live in the fear or shyness that I used to - God has brought me so far that I thought I was over the abuse. But recently, I saw a picture on the internet of my abuser - and a lot of feelings came up that I thought I was over.

So, this morning in prayer I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. And I forgave the man who did this. And then I forgave my mom. That was my breakthrough - realizing that I blame her for a lot and realizing that she has her own stuff that makes her the way she is. I have to let go of my pain so that I can walk in freedom. I feel better than I have felt in several weeks. I feel free again. I have realized that we never truly "overcome" our past - it will always be a part of who I am. Instead of trying to remove it, I can realize that I will always be a woman who was abused as a child, however, I don't have to live with the effects of that abuse. I can use my past to help others and choose to let go of the hurts, etc.

So I an free - again. Or atleast until God brings something else to the surface for me to confront.

A Dream Came True

2007-08-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

I am amazed it has been this long since I've written. Where does time go?? Anyway, I just have to brag on my hubby - he absolutely blew me away this time. Our anniversary is in August and about 2 weeks before, he told me not to plan anything because he wanted to plan the date this time. That in itself is amazing, seeing as how he's only planned one anniversary out of the 14 we've had! Actually, I was relieved because I've been so busy that I had already decided I wasn't planning anything special this year - just dinner and a really cool gift. Well, I met him after work and we went to Clearwater Beach. I thought he was taking me to Palm Pavillion, a restaurant we both like that sits right on the beach, but then we turned and started walking down where the boats are. We were looking at the different tour boats when we walked by this huge yacht. I stated that I'd never seen a boat that big, and he replied, "What about the boat we're going on tonight?" In front of us was an even bigger boat (or maybe it's a ship - I don't know) The Starlight Majesty! My incredibly sweet sexy husband made reservations for a dinner/dancing cruise at sunset. OK, so that in my book was perfect! But then, when we boarded, he had also gotten the anniversary package - roses, champagne, balloon, and our names announced! The entire night was incredible. I LOVE HIM!!!! (No, we did not drink the champagne - not that I think drinking is absolutely forbidden - but that is another blog.

Dealing with Change

2007-07-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

OK, Finally I am settling in and getting my wits about me. For awhile I felt like I was in limbo; accomplishing nothing and going no where, but hopefully that is slowly changing. A few months ago, my husband felt that God was calling him to a certain church. I had no desire to even visit the church, but knew that I needed to respect the Spirit of God in my husband. Over time, God confirmed to me that we were indeed being called to this church and that it would allow me to leave my job and go into full time ministry. This has been the desire of my heart for a long time. A house was provided by the church, but I was in for quite a suprise - the house is the smallest house I've ever seen! It can't be more than 600 square feet total! And we have a teenager, a dog, and a ministry that we run from home! If it hadn't been for knowing that I knew that I knew that God wanted us to take this step; I never would have gone. Change is hard even when it's God's will. For the last couple months, we have been dealing with change; leaving old friends, changing jobs, moving, sorting, packing. We have had to let go of many of our things, and there are still things to go through. A huge yard sale should help ease some of the space issues!

It was also difficult finding my place at church. The first time I went to the Senior Pastor and asked what he wanted me to do, he told me to grow our ministry and step into my calling. What?! Thank you Jesus for freedom, but I really wanted a LITTLE direction and accountability! Anyway, things are going well, my husband and I have started a youth group, we're developing in-church ministries, I'm leading intercessory prayer, and possibly taking over a weekly women's Bible study. I LOVE MINISTRY! Here's the only problem - I started a new job. Why do I fear letting go? I know God told me to go full time, but I keep thinking I'll just work a few months to pay off some bills and then . . . yada yada yada. I'm doing books for a large ministry and the pay is good so it was hard to say no, but there is so much I need to be doing for our ministry. OK, as a write I'm so convicted, but I've already committed to this new job so now what? Why do I always do this to myself? I dream of writing books, building a drama team, and producing seminars and conferences and God has provided a way for me to not HAVE to work, yet I find it so hard to let go. Do I not trust God to take care of me? Father, give me the faith to step out.

Freedom is Gooood

2007-06-27T03:11:00.000-07:00

Wow! I just read my last blog. How freeing the raw hard truth can be. My struggles are still the same, but I desire to face them, or atleast never stop trying. I have shared some of my hardest struggles with my Pastor and my intercessors group and another class that I'm involved in. Even though I still fail, having other people who pray for me (and question me) keeps my resolve fresh. I won't give up, I can never give up - it would mean settling for less than God has promised me. I have however decided to stop being so hard on myself. I get completely focused on the things that need changing and then I forget all that He's already done. God has freed me from drug addiction, alcoholism, cigarettes, promiscuity, abusive anger, and extreme fear - surely this is not to difficult for Him. I am choosing to continue to pray and try, but also to enjoy all that is right in my life; to look at all the positive - after all there was a time in my life when I could find nothing good abnd look at me now! I'm free, free, free! And getting freer everyday.

The Truth

2007-06-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

I've been gone for awhile going through transition, but that will be for another time. Right now I must get this out. I struggle. I truly struggle. I am addicted to sugar and I want to be free. I use sugar the way a crack head uses cocaine and I hate it. It's not just a bad habit or even an addiction, but it's idolatry and gluttony and immense guilt to always live with this. It bothers my husband and it bothers me. I've thought of getting really real and sharing my daily battle as I confront this monster and perhaps I will, but here is my first major confrontation. For the past week, I have been trying to eat healthy. Well, today something happened and I realize why I eat. I thought that I had dealt with all my issues and that my eating had really just become a bad habit to be broken - no reasons for it, but now I know that that is not true. I eat to bury who I am. I eat because the issues underneath are so disgusting that even I can not bear to look at them. I feel like I am a dirty evil person that should never be allowed out - and so I remain - trapped under pounds of fat. My shame sends me running to food rather than God. How can I face God when I've failed miserably? Food comforts and helps me forget. As long as people think food is my problem, I'm OK. AS LONG AS I THINK food is my problem, I'm OK. The desire to be set free from ALL that holds me back grows stronger all the time, but how can I face who I am inside? How can I ever confront the monster that lurks beneath the fat facade? How can I ever admit who I really am? If I don't confront my weight, my marriage may end or I may die, but if I confront my weight, there are worse things waiting to rear their ugliness.

God, help me please. I don't know how you can possibly believe in me at times like this or why you would desire to help me, but your Word says you do. And I need you desparately. I do not understand why you would call me into ministry, but my heart cries out for freedom to walk in destiny.

Live Out Loud

2007-03-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

I took a week of from work to spend some time focusing on ministry and the vision that God has given me. I feel like I haven't accomplished much, but yet I have clarity and peace that I haven't had in a long time. Again, God is taking us in a direction I never expected, but I don't remember God ever promising to do it my way. I don't know why I even bother to dream and plan for our ministry, because it's never done the way I think it will be done. I love watching Him open doors and make a way. He doesn't only open doors that look impossible to open, He opens doors you didn't even know were there! I love Jehovah! He is wonderful, incredible, magnificent! He takes care of us and even though I never would have picked this journey, I know He's going to protect us and grow us and bring us farther than we knew we could go. My normal attitude is to worry and look at the natural, but this morning I had an honest conversation with Jesus and His response was always a question. "Are you suppose to worry? Can you change anything through worry? Are you willing to give up everything for Me?" And the clincher - "Do you trust Me?" Yes I do! And I have decided to take chances and take the plunge! Has God EVER let me down? NO! Live large people! You've got one life. As the song says; La-La-La-La Live Out Loud!

Refreshed, relaxed, and rushed

2007-01-24T16:49:00.000-08:00

I did something I've never done before. Even though we have tons of things going on right now, I let everything go and in 1 day planned a mini vacation for my family. We just came back from a few days in the Keys. I actually think we live in paradise - at least we HAVE beaches! However, sometimes you just have to get away. My family needed it - 3 days to ourselves and with each other - being tourists. We saw sights, climbed a lighthouse, toured Hemingway's mansion, went wave running, and had a blast at the sunset something. I forget what they call it, but there are several street performers and merchants and it's just great fun. I also got seasick for the first time ever. We rented a wonderful little condo with an ocean view - it was great. I feel so much closer to my family and rested - even though there's always so much to do. We've already started saving for the next trip!

Can I slow down?

2007-01-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

Wow. Time just flies faster and faster. All my good intentions for January are still waiting for me to catch up. I had all these visions of slowing down, focusing on my time with God, really getting intimate. But everyday flies by and I find myself crawling into bed and realizing that I again did not accomplish what I set out to do. I have a speaking engagement Saturday, an outreach Monday, a board meeting Tuesday, yada, yada, yada. I'm not complaining, I love everything I do in ministry. I just an yearning for more alone time with the Lord. Right now, with working part time, running a ministry, homeschooling a child, and managing a home I constantly find myself letting go of things I wish I could do. Oh well, I refuse to give up! I will not stop! I will become a time management wiz! I'd better get busy . . . .

Desperate for Him

2007-01-06T18:07:00.000-08:00

OK, this is my very first blog (except for a few on myspace). I love writing so I'm excited about a new venue in which to let loose. All this came about as I was praying this morning and wishing there was a way to share my feelings with others. So here goes.

I am so desperate to fulfill my destiny. I feel like time moves so quickly and what if I miss it? What if I never accomplish what I'm called to accomplish. My prayer everyday is that I would be consumed with love for God, that I would have boldness to proclaim His word, and that I could overcome my weeknesses. Yet everyday I slip, everyday I do something I don't want to do, everyday I feel like I disappoint Him in some way. I feel like ministers should be so much more together than I am. I want to run the race with all I've got, yet I keep letting everyday life get in the way. I am determined not to give up. Thank God for mercies that are new every morning! Maybe tomorrow I'll get it right. . .